I just taken a selfie after taking shower. It turned out great. Edited it a bit. I became more satisfied with the result.
Then I question myself, is it what people see from me? Will I be as cute in the eyes of others as what I saw in my selfie?
I have never been praised of being pretty. Been living for 26 years, of course there are times, probably during my infancy (which I don’t recall at all as I was dumb and only craved for milk) when people calling me as a pretty girl. But that was a kind of what they call as ‘lip-service’, a compulsory praise when someone met my mom cradling me on her hand.
Well, being pretty itself is a two sided knife. I can be popular by being pretty, being loved, being wanted… But those bring setbacks as well. What about cat calls? What if you’re called as a cheap girl? How to maintain your beauty? None of them is easy… Though I should say that being pretty is more to a lucky draw. Something that is not for anyone to have. A good DNA, good nutrition, and a pretty mental health to be able to care yourself are the essential combo to be pretty. For some, skincare does wonder. But for others, it is just something to help them called as ‘the follower of the trend’.
However, I will never forget the eyes my ‘somewhat white and pretty’ sister gave me when I reluctantly mentioned that I won’t buy that bottle of facial serum.
‘I guess if you are consistent you can fix your face.’ she said that as she applied her facial mask.
I’m indeed a sensitive person. With that sentence alone, I thought that if there is a dog called Blackie, then probably she’ll call him with my name. If my sister knows what Negro means and I’m sorta stranger for her, probably she refer to me with that word. I ain’t that skincare girl. Even those over-the-counter skincare products–which tend to be cheaper–isn’t my cup of tea.
What I want to point out is that I don’t really care about my looks, my appearances. But appearance is what most people are being judged of, initially.
After all, people do judge the book by its cover. And I admit that I somehow find a common ground with them, too. Sometimes, when I meet a person for the first time, the first thing I do is to score their looks. Then, if the person is a female Sapiens and I think this person is within the same age range with me, I will compare their face to mine. Well, most of the times I think I lose the mental game.
I guess, it is because I seldom valued myself as worthy. I have low self-esteem, low confidence, and I don’t comply with what people are following in a communal setting. I don’t self-harm though (although I tried once and it kinda hurts), I’m just trying to ignore my own body… because I don’t love myself.
Is it a wrong ‘verdict’ to ignore my own body? Well, I don’t mean to skip bath. I just don’t want to always be ‘steered’ by what people see as normal. These days, for a 26-year-old girl, not using skincare is a weird decision. These days, for a 26-year-old girl, not having a potential spouse is a weird situation (here). These days, when I said I want to bald myself, only weird eyes and some curse I got.
The definition of ‘pretty’ is different from person to person. Why should I follow a dictate, then?